2001-12-08 - 10:25 p.m.: mudsliiiiide

Luscious called today... in the middle of the day... highly atypical as it's usually me who calls him, and at night. I was so tense on the phone.. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't help it. I think I'm getting very anxious about moving back to EL. I *want* to... every tiny piece of me... but at the same time I wonder how I'll adjust. I have SO much time alone, right now. So much time to myself... I have a hard time thinking of what to do with it all, sometimes. But there... seeing him every day, every night...? What'll happen to this little cave I've dug in myself? Who will fill it when I'm outside playing?

I'm probably worrying over nothing... but it's making me shudder at odd times, and keeping me from arranging a place to live. I DON'T KNOW. Even the ultimate frisbee team... they've announced a "mandatory meeting" for next Thursday... and it made me absolutely furious. FURIOUS. Over a stupid meeting. GODDAMNIT I HELPED CREATE THIS TEAM I'VE PAID MY DUES FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME DRIVE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO ATTEND SOME HALF-HOUR FUCKING MEETING!!! *pant pant* How ridiculous. But still... it's as though everything I've built there has turned upside down and shaken me out, and is now asking me to "please, make an effort, dear", to squeeze myself back in. I'm probably just being an arrogant bitch.

I spent a little while looking at some of the other diaries in Diaryland... it was astonishing... Souls laid out for ANYONE to look at. So beautiful... so unnerving. It's as though.... the world is an aisle of brown-paper boxes.... you have no idea what's in them until you open them... sometimes they will make you laugh, sometimes they'll make you cry... sometimes they'll love you and sometimes they'll kill you.... risky, risky.... nevermind the papercuts. Diaryland is a way to find out what's in the boxes without opening them... only it doesn't tell you which is which, and you're still left wandering around. It's lovely, it's stimulating... but is it satisfying, to *know* people this way?

I don't know. I think there was a time when I would've thought so... but I've been trying hard lately to discard the idea of "me" as a mind floating in a body... and try to incorporate myself into the physical world... I don't know how much progress I've made... at least I remember to eat when I'm hungry and put on a sweater when I'm cold.... feel pain when I run too far and put on a band-aid when I trip. :o) But it makes me terribly sad, sometimes, to think of the people I can *touch* but not *touch*... and vice versa. I want my world to be ONE... but I don't think it will ever get there. I mean... even sitting here... talking to whoever.... I don't know where this is really *going* and my body is just SITTING here. So much wasted time for the body... if it's as separate as it sometimes feels... I think it must hate me. "Stop talking already and DO something... Stop thinking and FEEL something.... Stop loving people and LOVE them....I only have so much time... stop wasting it..."

"It's a life without regrets

I want to feel that way, forever and ever"

- Natalie Imbruglia (Wishing I was there)

So do I come up with a deep dark secret tonight, or no? I've never established a penance, so it's not like I have anything to lose. :o) Maybe I'll just talk about my dream last night... because it was so bizarre...

I'm wearing a short, white nightgown and sitting on a windowsill... the view consists of a blurry, multi-colored skyline and a tall, volcano-shaped mountain with an oversized, bright blue waterfall gushing from the top, obscured by clouds. It seems positively idyllic. I'm watching the waterfall very carefully, trying to determine the nature of these small things which, periodically, tumble down the waterfall (which ends in a river that eventually forms a moat around the house I'm in).... After a little while of looking, I decide that they're dolls... but very life-like... some missing limbs... some limbs missing people... then I realize that they're real people, and I start crying. Then... from within the house, a voice calls sharply to "Get down from there, you're going to fall." So I climb down, and go inside, and it's as though I'm seeing the house for the first time. It's a doll-house, bisected, with one side completely open to the elements. So as I turn I see the open side, silhouetting a mirror-image of myself, complete with a white nightgown and bare feet. She looks pissed off, and she hands me a broom and a rag, and says "You're supposed to have finished the guest room by now. So... go do it!" So... I kind of wander over to the next room I see... and notice that it's a real dump. Spiderwebs and crap everywhere... stains on the mattress... wood-slat floor with dust in the cracks.. you know. The kind of room you really wouldn't want to walk around in barefoot.... So I start sweeping, dusting, etc... until I get distracted by the sound of screaming coming from the next room. I sort of drift back into the main room and see TWO more of me hopping around and looking quite frightened. "What's wrong?" I ask. They point to the floor and I see earwigs emerging from the cracks. "They're everywhere!" one of me says. They then climb up on the windowsills and yell to me to kill them (the bugs). I said, "I don't kill bugs." They then said that if I didn't kill them they'd throw me down the waterfall. (Hey.. it's a dream... I didn't write this. :) So, of course, I'm badly frightened, so I get a watering can from the bathroom and fill it with water.... start pouring on every earwig I see. I think I'm finally done when I see them crawling down, through the ceiling and fans... The other me's, of course, see them too... and yell at me to climb up on the roof and kill those ones, too. So... I climb out the window and make my way to the roof (there were stairs in my dream :), where I see literally THOUSANDS of earwigs milling around, climbing in and out of the shingles. I, being the brilliant figment that I am, start pulling off shingles and tossing them off the roof into the moat, with the corpse-waterfall in the background... I do this methodically, tearing them off and pouring water on the earwigs... until I wake up, covered in earwigs. Crappy-assed ending, if you ask me.

I'm sure I'll have a nicer one, tonight...

Goodnight!

inward...outward