2001-12-10 - 9:12 p.m.: mud soup

I don't know how to characterize today. I felt VERY lazy. I finished my decoupage... but that was just a few minutes ago. The rest of the day I.... was AT work. I don't know how much I actually accomplished. I guess a lot... but damn. Those hours just CRAWLED by. The kind of day where your spine just sort of sloooowly oozes down the backrest of your chair until you open your eyes and notice the ceiling is gray, not white, as you'd originally thought....and your arms aren't quite long enough to reach the keyboard... and you can't quite see the screen.....then you're on the floor. Oh, what am I saying? How ridiculous. This job sucks and I can't wait to start my new one!! (But to give credit wcid... the people I work with are some of the kindest, sweetest people in the world.... not very stimulating, but VERY nice.)

I find that I'm fascinated by body parts. No, don't be gross, not that kind. Just... disembodied body images... like an eye, a mouth, an ankle... parts that are maybe used as symbols, and maybe not. I've used a ton of them in my collages... partly because the pictures are torn from magazines, which really do feature the body... but partly because there's something truly exciting about rearranging body parts in the wrong order. THREE eyes and a mouth, upside down, but no nose or ears. Or an ear and a hand. A sort of "montage" language. A body haiku. I don't know why this entertains me. I know I'm not a violent person and bloody movies make me sad. I think it's the idea of "what holds them together" that makes me happy. Because... if you cut off your hand or your ear or your eye, you're not going to die. You could chop off most of your major body parts and still be "you." You could go from being 500kg to 50kg... and feel like you haven't lost a thing. So what's stitching our cells -- newborn and dying -- together to make us "people" and not merely "parts"? (Here's where it's revealed that I *am* afraid of death, even though I didn't think I was, and am grabbing at straws for any reason to believe that I will last longer than my body. Haha.) So we're like little strings full of beads, knotted at both ends... then one day, oops, the string comes untied and the beads fall off. The string is still a string, only it doesn't know what it's for and has no *weight* holding it down, so it blows away. Maybe. Maybe not.

I have to write a short paper tonight on film (generic), explaining why the "masculine eye" of the camera (generic) is afraid of women (generic) because they represent male castration (Freud). Hmmm.

That explains a LOT. ;o)

I didn't make my bed this morning, so right now it looks like a cumulonimbus cloud. Ahhh....

inward...outward