2002-07-11 - 3:52 a.m.: silken tofu

there are some days that just swing you around in circles like a giant helicopter hand with a string around a finger, the other end noosed around your ankle... heaving your stomach into your mouth and your dreams up to the very top of your head.

(in case this isn't clear, i'm having one of those days.)

there are so many things that i want--need--to do that i'm immobilized. i end up doing nothing. dishes. a letter. a diary entry (and this IS my big accomplishment.) all of those projects i want to complete... not enough time to start them? as though i've got to have a full day of uninterrupted creative concentration in order to jot down a simple fucking sentence? is this how my whole life is going to go? am i going to die with hundreds of thousands of hours' worth of uncashed reality checks?

but then... what does it mean if i DO accomplish something? am i contributing to the world? what is the world? what is it for? does a paycheck mean answers? no. will clacking out a novel bring me enlightenment? no.

then why?

what for?

because there's nothing better to do?

grr... because it's what i LOVE to do?

enough whining... there are people being starved, beaten, bombed, maimed, ignored, deceived and corrupted. i'm one of the lucky ones.

i'm one of the luckiest ones.

it's tough to realize that it's so easy to forget. now i feel rotten.

but lucky.

*sigh*

inward...outward