2002-11-21 - 11:22 p.m.: tom & jerry

i honestly can't remember the last time i felt sooooo good about every single element of my life at the same time. EVERYTHING. it's a little frightening, almost, the way that pure happiness immobilizes you... it takes away that little sting in your ass that makes you want to move forward... that makes you want to shut your eyes and just GO. i don't want to GO right now... i want to stay right here with my head in the clouds and my eyes level with the stars, doing nothing but staring and smiling. is this how people stop growing?

(or is this "fear of not growing" the thumbtack on my child-size seat of happiness that will, if i condescend, prick me hard enough to set me off running again?)

questions are THE strings keeping me tied up in knots above the comfort that i'd otherwise drown in. should i be thankful? in my current state, i'm inclined to say "yes!"

dammit... i'm thankful for EVERYTHING!

today, i'm thankful for:

waking up to the smell of my favorite skin
being hugged when i got back in bed after hitting the snooze
being hugged when i got back in bed after hitting the snooze for the eighth time (you have no idea how much this means... that alarm clock is HELL... i would've killed me)
remembering just before hitting the snooze button for the ninth time that i didn't have to go to work for three more hours
experiencing/creating a lucid dream for the next three hours
hearing "julie, you're my hero" for the third time this week
eating cookies for lunch, for free
finding lindsey's favorite disc and making her "the happiest girl in the world"
saying goodbye without feeling sad
realizing that i'm falling in love all over again
eating pad thai with crisalys & not having to talk
getting a fortune of "Your exotic ideas lead you to many exciting, new adventures!"
with lucky numbers 1, 2, 3, 34, 35, & 36
finding a "mysterious key" on the sidewalk
next to footprints that looked too big to be real
letting jasper climb up my pants to be held
playing ultimate inside while it's slushing out
walking home and sliiiiiding on purpose across the bridge
using the library as a shortcut instead of a destination
beating the traffic across the street
hearing my heart beat in my ears & having it match the rhythm of the song on the porch of the house next door
taking a long, hot shower
reading good news
writing this entry
feeling warm and chilly at the same time.

BUT...i would really like to have fur, just for a day. the silky kind, that would make you want to pet yourself all day long. though, perhaps not feeling free to do this petting in public would make me hate it. i'd rather find out than guess.

ummm... this is just going downhill... i'll kindly keep the rest of tonight's musings to myself.

'night!

inward...outward