2002-12-11 - 1:15 p.m.: orangina

i don't know what to write about.

and when it comes down to it, i don't know what to say. i don't know what to feel or think or become.

but i'm doing it. right now. the keys are solid under my fingers and the words are fresh in my mouth. emotions are welling, thoughts are exploding, actions are spilling out of my fingertips and limbs and i'm growing, every day, like a tree.

this lack of control is divine.

and infuriating.

if there really was an adam and eve, i bet they took forever to make a decision. they saw the apple and sat, and thought, and thought, while sitting... then god became so anxious for them to decide that he invented a super-persuasive snake to move things along. eve finally took a bite. then adam. the rest was history. i bet if he had left them alone, or had sent an angel instead of a snake, they would've made a different decision. or the apple would've rotted. eventually.

it's all arbitrary.

i think our snakes are things like discomfort and appetite and� well� other people. things that usher us along� out of our minds into moments. i feel rushed by them. cheated out of my true existence by these secular pushers-around. but that's my ridiculous side speaking. (my cynical side and my softer side are making out behind the sofa.)

i'm just (really) making excuses for why i haven't learned french, yet. that's all it is.

until next time�

inward...outward