2002-12-16 - 7:49 p.m.: grape juice

today was a sad, slushy sort of day. my most constant happiness (and best friend) left for florida in a small red car. i don't know when i'll see him again.

saying goodbye left me blue. blue because i said it in the morning and had to hold in all of the secondary goodbyes--that were really hellos and i love yous and please don't forget about mes--for the rest of the day. goodbye only needs to be said once. saying it prematurely hangs you on the inexpressibility of your own emotion. want to say more? want to say that "love" is not a good enough word anymore? want to say that you're afraid to let life happen? want to say that you're terrified that you've given away the best friend you've ever had to chance because you thought that you could only learn and grow in new and open spaces? want to say that you're happy beyond all measure that you had the chance to learn and grow with him? want to wind around him like a vine?

too late. start swinging.

part of me embraces this chance to move and grow and shine. part of me wants to curl into a small earth-shape and quake for a living. the braver part of me will win, for once... and that makes me happy. a little.

i'm slowly turning turquoise--blue with a little bit of peace mixed in.

doesn't that make you smile?

inward...outward