2002-01-22 - 8:28 p.m.: crude oil

so... wow. a lot of newness to write about, newness merged with the same old "same-oldness" that has laced my thoughts for the past 1,000 years.

a lot of redefining boundaries, relationships... reinterpreting patterns and inner-languages....re-flexing tired mind muscles and reflecting (flecting is NOT a word) some very strange round-and-about-faces.

i had thought that remaining in east lansing would be more of a pause--a breath of fresh air--than a step forward. i was right about the fresh air... but i was wrong about the pause. there's nothing still about this feeling. there's nothing still about a lung expanding to inhale...the central point or locale or fulcrum may remain the same but the perimeter--the edges or borders or horizon--seems to disappear--swept outward and away like curtains on a stage in a mind on the verge of awakening from dreams. maybe i'm being melodramatic (ha.. MAYbe? yeah.) but this space that i have around me.... this physical and philosophical and psychological ROOM that i suddenly find myself alone in... is just begging to be filled by me. MOI. if that wouldn't swell one's head, what possibly could?

(other than your own, personal anthem composed posthumously by Alexander G. Bell?)

i drove to washington d.c. with luscious on saturday to protest the impending bloodbath that my asshole of a president is proposing to impose (but has already started) on a country that i've never seen up close. the numbers were reported to be just over 200,000. it seemed like more than that, but i have to admit that i was in "wishful thinking" mode. wishful thinking in that:

1. i thought it would matter

2. i thought people were there to prevent death and destruction

3. i thought that "doing the right thing" would feel good

4. i thought that "doing the right thing in the ass-freezing cold" would feel extra good

5. i thought it would renew my faith in humanity

6. &c.

okay, so in reality:

1. the bush administration is using a few empty warheads to justify to the american people that "war is looking like the only answer" and... FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD... the american people are buying it.

2. many people were there to prevent death and destruction--more were there to complain that the billions of dollars should be directed elsewhere (jobs, schools, etc.) as though... if we had more money it would be alright to murder people on the other side of the world for doing the same thing that we do on a larger, more vicious scale.

3. it didn't. i was plagued by doubt almost the entire time. i felt like a pawn, showing up to buy into something that nobody had thought, yet, of selling. i was handed more "socialist" pamphlets in one day than i've seen in my entire life. i wanted to yell "I'M HERE BECAUSE I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO *THIS* SYSTEM, I'M SURE AS HELL NOT GOING TO BUY INTO YOURS!" (i mean jesus... if you think CNN is bad in how they twist "news" to fit their corporate agenda, check out the socialist propaganda... at least CNN tries to fool you into believing they're objective.)

4. it didn't. it felt like ^that^... cold.

5. it didn't. i felt like 30% of the people there ALWAYS went to these things, no matter what the cause, because they were professional marchers and had screamed the same slogans so many times that the sounds etched little ridges in their voice-boxes, like worn-out records. i felt like 30% of the people there really were motivated by current issues and felt--as i did--that it was time to say something, and time to say it LOUD. i felt like 30% of the people were there to impose their agendas on the rest of us because they could think of no better place than a "peace rally" to dig up the kinds of people who might be open enough or flexible enough to embrace a new dogma or creed or socio-political schema. (yeah....thanks but.... that's about the LAST thing we need.) the last 10%, i think, were those truly good people with decent intentions, incredible strength and real potential to effect change. they were the people on the outskirts, not saying much, not listening much, not feeding into the general frenzy of the day but looking, very closely and analytically and (dare I say) hopefully at the hundreds of thousands of people with their hearts on their sleeves... wondering, very quietly, what could possibly be done with all of this energy to make the world whole and just instead of scattered and broken.

i hope they had some good ideas.

ANYWAY. sorry for the political rant. it's just... NOBODY wants to get into it. there's never going to be a perfect forum for bringing up difficult subjects, and if everyone keeps saying "let's not talk about that in here," or, "this isn't the place or the time".. then what the fuck? is this not a life or death matter? does there even EXIST a rug big enough to sweep this under? i really doubt it. i really wonder what's going to happen. i don't want the world's blood on my hands.

inward...outward