2003-02-24 - 10:38 p.m.: antifreeze

it's been a strange few days.

friday hit me hard. i don't know if it was the news or just the sudden collapse of a naivete that's been eroding for years... but i was shaken. to the core. my skin felt tight all day... stretched over my bones like a cheap costume. my eyes burned. i think i was a little short with everyone.... slanting my speech away from my thoughts... avoiding eye-contact... running away.

no.

pushing away.

i don't know how to make this better... i don't know what i'm good for... please go away.

when we got to the concert i stepped into the darkness and the crowd and buried myself inside of them. i stood behind tall people and let the music beat my heart for me. i watched the band and fell in love. i let tears drip out of my eyes for no reason. i wiped my nose with my sleeve. nobody witnessed. when it was time to go i zipped myself back into my skin and smiled. i shivered in the cold and matched my footsteps to theirs. we went to steve's and smoked. i tried to pet tiger but my touch was charged and i kept zapping electricity from her fur. i didn't know if it hurt or not. i stopped.

it was lonely.

saturday i went to purdue with my brother so he could "get oriented" to what will be his new school in september of 2003. he drove to get used to the path. it was blizzardy. we slid into a guardrail, bounced once and let momentum drag us where it chose.

luck was in our favor. the car stopped halfway between the right lane and an exit ramp.... no one hit us, though another car (shortly after and probably unrelated) slid into a ditch on the other side of the road. ummm.... i don't know what to say. it was in slow motion. i don't remember feeling scared, just expectant. braced. i was deathly afraid--after we left it--that someone would hit the disabled car and become hurt or dead.

but they didn't.

thank you, universe.

we were stranded for two days in hotels with swimming pools. these next few weeks i will learn to appreciate walking again as my poor car heals. it won't be hard. i am so grateful to have legs and a working, tingling spine.

what a brilliant way to keep from getting hard and cold.

don't try this at home.

goodnight.

inward...outward