2003-03-08 - 12:50 p.m.: perfume

i'm in love with math now, too... and spirals. i wish i spoke this language with more fluency.

i've been meeting so many new people, lately. too many to register. it's good, in a way... but it's strange and unnerving too. i feel caught off guard. too many of them give me strange looks... where they hold my glance a little too long and smile a little too wide... the kind of look that says, "don't i know you? please say something familiar so i can place you in the proper compartment..."

i can't do that. i've never seen you before.

i give them my "i'm sorry" smile and lower my eyes. it is the same, every time.

i was at a forum for university women for four hours (lot of "for" sounds in that sentence, hmm?) and a discussion came up at my table in which it was proposed that a new "sabbath" day might help to slow down peoples' busy lives. one woman said "nobody takes the time to just 'be' anymore. we always have to be stimulated by something on the outside. movies. jobs. internet. we're losing something valuable... a sort of insight into ourselves." as heads nodded in agreement, i found myself thinking about my own life.

how different it must be from theirs.

i have far too much free time right now. more than i've ever had. more solitude than i ever thought i'd need. in some ways it's very good... my mind has expanded...my freedoms are clear...my sense of responsibility is owned and tied and tugged-at by me alone. i can do or think or feel whatever i want, in whatever way i want. in other ways it's not so good. i have a hard time flipping back and forth. it's almost as though i have to prepare myself to interact with others....remind myself of what's relevant and/or irrelevant in the "real world." brush up on the things that are interesting to others. and i've become a sort of liar.

how? well...

it's odd. the private me wavers so drastically, embraces such polar opposites of thought and feeling, that...were i to express my real uncertainty--my restlessness and wonder and discomfort--to others (particularly people who think they care and want to solve problems and questions.... people like me)...well... i would seem...just confusing. not complex or interesting. not a puzzle. just a mess. they wouldn't know how to react. *i* wouldn't know how to react. so i pick the sentiment most comfortable or most pleasant and put that out there. "i love you." "oh, i'm fine." "i liked the movie very much." it's tempting to say what is REALLY going on... but is it any more true? "i love you sometimes but other times i don't even know who you are." "i feel disassociated, as though i'm only attached to myself by a whim and could lose interest at any moment and become someone else." "the movie turned me inside out and is going to drive me mad. i want to drive too fast while thinking."

so much gets obscured by what we say that it's amazing any of us connect at all. i don't want to ruin beautiful relationships with my inability to put feelings into words. but maybe i already have. i don't know.

i went running last night and found a path leading to the riverwalk. it was perfect. i only wish it was safe in the dark. i am not a morning runner.

inward...outward