2003-04-03 - 10:10 p.m.: listerine

there's been something quivering just below the surface of my thinking, lately, and i'm really just burning to figure it out. it's there, each time i make a decision or issue a thought... an impudent little question mark jumping into every pause, turning statements into questions, or worse. it makes me want to list things i know about myself and set them aside to clear the path for new discoveries. to catalogue myself and see what's unaccounted for.

hey now... maybe i will.

hmmmm.

here is a list (in no particular order) of things that are currently sort of true...maybe. to the best of my knowledge:

1. i have a huge ego. i don't believe that there is anything i can't handle.

2. even so, i fall into degrading little dramas (usually when drunk) that make me feel bad about myself.

3. the bad feelings don't last long (i am resilient and tend to forget about my failings long before others do).

4. the hangovers do.

5. i am VERY uncool. if i said "fo shizzah mah nizzah" to you, you'd just laugh. seriously. it's pretty sad, actually.

6. i would be a pyromaniac if i wasn't so self-conscious about it. i always give the flame-master job to someone else in public so they won't suspect that secretly my eyes are glowing. even privately, i'm very responsible with matches, lighters, lanterns, kerosene, propane and regular old gas stoves. why? i think there is something buried very deeply in my psyche that knows one taste of freedom with fire could change my whole life in a very freaky way. settling for pyrophilia is much safer.

7. easter bunnies and pastels make me want to throw up.

8. i chew on my lower lip when my mind wanders. sometimes i bite too hard. that brings me back.

9. there are lots of things that i would do for thrills that i wouldn't do for money. (that statement, to me, sounds noble and fucked up at the same time.)

10. i REALLY like that i don't get angry about most things. the few times i have lost my temper are the times i'm most ashamed / afraid of. i don't know what that means.

11. i sometimes develop affection for inanimate objects. like appliances. they work so hard and get no love. i have a hard time abusing "things" for that reason.

12. live music makes me feel absolutely powerless. i just sway and breathe and feel it.

13. i sing in the shower. sometimes real songs... usually just made-up things. my dad used to sing in a booming fake-russian baritone. when he stopped, mornings became a little less exciting.

14. i don't sing in the rain, but i always want to. my lips curl into a smile that i can't hide or fold down. it makes other people smile back. i love rainy days.

15. i have some interesting self-destructive tendencies. whenever i get close to an edge...a verge... i get this strange and immediate longing to hurl myself downward as far as i can go. i mean this more on a psychological/social level than a physical one, but whatever. i'm working on it.

16. ("working on it" means becoming aware of the symptoms, recognizing them, then taking steps to move in the opposite direction every time they arise. (i.e. crave something sweet => eat something salty) not sure if that's the best route to take. if you have a better idea, let me know!)

17. i'm not afraid of--or worried about--death. see number 1.

18. i'm really good at denial.

19. my default self is invisible.

20. i masturbate *almost* every night. i almost never think of people. usually impossible concepts (there is an infinity INSIDE of YOUR BODY...think about it while messing around...you'll see)... i think it's the psychological equivalent of holding your breath. you NEVER get to an answer. just appreciate the beauty of contemplating. (ok. there is nothing tantric about this.)

21. it's not about sex.

22. but it is.

23. i will almost never initiate action.

24. i will almost always accept an invitation or dare.

25. timidity and impulse wage daily wars in my mind and heart.

is that enough for one night? yes. that's enough. more later.

p.s. i'm reading "house of leaves" and it has wormed its way into my mind and started chewing. check it out. it will fuck with you.

inward...outward