2003-04-21 - 4:30 p.m.: iced ease

coming back up to e.l. this morning i saw three (3) dead deer on the side of the road within 20 meters of each other. there was a big one, a medium-sized one and a small one. be careful, young humans, with your heavy eye-guided weapons. it's dark and those creatures are crazy with lust for spring. just like us.

but it did make me think of decomposers differently. it made me think of them less as 'makers-of-bad-smells' and more as industrious little optimists, working tirelessly to make the best of bad situations. better than erasers because they don't subtract. they divide.

hmmmmm i don't even know what to say about this weekend... the tournament was absolutely thrilling. perfect skies, lots of reasons for grass stains and bruises... lots of reasons to laugh and yell. it shows. i'm half-dead. i ran and threw and dove like i meant it, which i did. and people noticed. that felt good. i think i may try out for clutch this year... i'm excited by their intensity, and i don't think i'd be (as) happy with 'just for fun'. we'll see. i'm almost afraid to get my hopes up, because if i *don't* make it, i won't know what to blame it on.

blahhhmmmmm.

friday night was wonderful, too... a peopled hot tub and liquor (dangerous, i know)... i felt free to do/be anything, and i think i turned (for a little while) into a drunken-philosophizing-demi-rockstar. i say demi because full-fledged rockstars give themselves completely away. i started to, then found out what that meant, and pulled back. it ruined saturday night a little, because i was more aware/afraid of what kinds of invitations appear in peoples' minds as a result of the phrasing/gestures/looks/silences i use in being *out loud*... so i quieted down again. i hate that. just because i smile at you doesn't mean i'm yours. just because you like what i'm saying doesn't mean you've got me figured out. so quit with the assumptions. don't oblige me like that. i hate feeling cruel when i walk away from needs that shouldn't exist. it's only certain people, and it's only at certain times... but it was a little too overwhelming this time, and made me want to hug myself into a ball and disappear.

maybe i should just get a scary tattoo. :o)

painting was fun, too, actually... but secondary to the fun of haunting my own house. such a strange feeling! i turned a t.v on upstairs and downstairs so that i could have an uninterrupted flow as i galloped back and forth. i watched iverson turn into a superhero. i also touched a foot down in every single room, for no real reason. i think it was just the fun of being alone in it. everything looks different when it�s uninhabited. un-used. everything. it's almost as though the house sleeps when its occupants are gone. the front door closes and the whole house heaves -- ahhhh one long sigh -- then smiles. it closes its many eyes and stills itself. the carpet stops cringing in anticipation of footsteps. the handles do not gleam against smears or fingerprints. the windows act more mysterious, the doors are less sensitive to currents and the tiles rearrange themselves in shadows and light. i don't know why it didn't wake up for me. probably because i was careful to keep my things in a tidy pile by the door. probably because i didn't speak. probably because we know each other so well that polite conversation is unnecessary.

we are familiars.

we do our best to keep the things inside of us alive.

inward...outward