2003-04-29 - 5:13 p.m.: high octane fuel

hmmmm... i need some refreshing.

i'm getting all pissed off about things i should be happy about. like weddings and graduations and retirements... the people i care about are going through huge life changes and want me to be there. HOW DARE THEY?! THE NERVE!! !!!&*#$&@!!! (i'm so selfish. i want to go to concerts and play frisbee. fuck showing support. hmmmmm...why am i like this? can someone like me even HAVE children? "here are the keys, drive yourself to tee-ball... i have things to do, dammit!")

but i'm not letting it show [much] so no harm done [much].

also, i'm teetering on the edges of verges.

i'm going to apply for a masters program in public policy administration with a specialization in inter-governmental relations. it sounds like bullshit. it probably is. but i get sick thinking about another english degree. i get sick thinking about a life of sitting on my ass reading about what other people have done to change the world. i want to be in charge, and i want to make things right. more than likely i'll get disillusioned, quit in the middle, learn how to forage in the northwestern wilderness and hide in the woods for the rest of my life scratching poems in sand with dead twigs and fingernails.

or maybe i'll ACTUALLY WRITE SOMETHING FOR REAL and ACTUALLY TRY TO PUBLISH IT and ACTUALLY MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS AND TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, EATING EXOTIC PLANTS AND NOODLES AND MAKING FOOTPRINTS IN HARD-TO-REACH PLACES!

heh.

(you see how this is, future me? you see what you've gone through? trace yourself back to this point and think about all the directions you could've taken, but didn't. did i choose the right one? if so, i'm your private goddess. if not, think about which one would've been the best. whisper it in my ear. you'll be someone else's.)

but really, there's no reason to look back now, so there probably won't be later. there are too many things that i counted on and steered toward and swerved away from in my *own* past that probably weren't even real. like smudges on the inside of a windshield. even if they were, it doesn't matter. i don't believe in monsters OR angels. i believe in everything. if you look like an angel, you're someone who looks like an angel to me. you might be a devil or a monkey or a really good salesperson. i might be dumb. who cares? i'll always be dumb in some aspect(s).

i'll quote my new friend meng-shu: "try it. just try it, and we'll talk about it later."

i think that's my favorite quote, ever.

bye!

inward...outward