2003-05-13 - 2:16 p.m.: formaldehyde

ahhhhhhhhhhh...i couldn't have written this yesterday, but THANK YOU UNIVERSE for giving me an ass-kicking virus with the courtesy to leave me alone after 14.9 hours. it was truly an educational experience. i threw out everything in my kitchen that i couldn't look at. the huge chocolate bunny from my grandmother. the instant oatmeal packets i've had for three years. old bread. potato chips. microwave popcorn. i wanted to trash a whole lot more, but the rain discouraged me from taking more than one trip out to the dumpster. i haven't felt so miserable in years. now that i've made voids of my body and kitchen, i feel okay.

and i felt a lot more comfortable with the clutch team on saturday... i don't know if it's something in me or something in the way they treated me, but i feel more confident. not so worried about fucking up. more laid-back. more fun. etc. i think this will be good.

and little things have been making me skittish. it's just... i don't want to get caught up in another wheel... but i also don't want the pathological FEAR of getting caught up in it to influence me in directions i wouldn't otherwise take. i don't want to run away from anything unless i have to. i just don't want to become a part of your pattern... i don't want a future that resembles your past.

(so scare me away, already.)

and i keep waiting for woodrow to turn into a gremlin. he's too cute to be a real animal. he doesn't even growl or grunt. he squeaks and purrs. unreal... like a toy.

kinda freakehh.

i wish i had more. i wish i was more inspired. maybe later.

inward...outward