2003-06-09 - 1:31 a.m.: statyoowuvlibber tea

i just saw the biggest ant i've ever seen in my life. maybe it was some other kind of insect. looked like an ant. walked more slowly, though, and wasn't afraid of me. i didn't know what to do, so i just watched. it sat there for a moment, twirling its antennae at me, then left. crawled down the side of my desk then disappeared around a corner... a thought involving alternatively-travelling visitors and ant-prophets crossed my mind, briefly, making me feel both unhinged and relieved that i hadn't done anything mean.

i don't know how much i'm going to write tonight, because i'm tired and just want my teddy bear.

the trip to nyc was wonderful.. it came at a great time, and it's making me think about taking some directions i'd ruled out before. i never thought i could live in a city that big... thought i'd be depressed and overwhelmed with concrete all the time. i love grass too much, and trees. i still feel that way, but i think there's definitely something to be said in favor of a place where you can walk for blocks and meet new people with new looks and ideas who couldn't comprehend you or your values... whose pasts are so different and far from yours that the collision of your presents is a kind of miracle. i think i would love that feeling... that every encounter was something unlikely and special. i should feel that way here, but i don't. i really don't.

anyway... i'm going to actually start applying for jobs EVEN if they're in nyc. considering most editing jobs are in nyc... i think it'll open up some possibilities.

maybe.

i loved the laughter and tumbles of the kids at play in central park.
i loved the way the lines on the streets were regarded as suggestions instead of boundaries.
i love the new york finger. it is so proud.
i loved hearing voices flowing from language to language in conversation.
i loved the complicated conversation with benny from the met, who was so dirty and so proper at the same time. who told me to paint everything i see in my head. who smiled at my ignorance in a nice way.
i loved buying a cup of chai and a new york times on a rainy morning by myself with nothing to do but wait and watch feet in puddles.
i loved the fresh fruit and veggie stands that reminded me of europe.
i loved the halal falafel stands.

i don't know what else to say. there are so many little stories.. i can't write them all. maybe tomorrow. i got a lot of strange looks from people because (i think) i had a very bruised lip (got hit in the face with a wacky backhand at practice on wednesday... fat lip lasted one day, bruise is still here) and felt kinda ugly... not in a bad, self-conscious way.. just in a... i don't know. in a way that made me interact with people differently. with enhanced humility, i guess. lower receptivity-expectations.

spent a long time with lush on saturday... i don't know what to say about it. i'm amazed by how much i still care about him. i'm amazed at how little that matters. the mix of live music, sad songs.... proximity and possibilities confirmed made me... simpery. i feel a little ashamed. when will i learn to hold things in? you'd think i'd be vacuum-sealed by now, with all the empty space i've tried to create inside... but things just keep exploding outward... it's humiliating. i don't like being surprised like that by my own lies.

i need lots of time alone. lots and lots.

i need to think about everything. i need to forget about everything. need to learn how to ask myself questions that match the answers i want to hear.

what i really need is to chop off my ego and bury it in...

something completely anonymous.

inward...outward