2003-06-11 - 10:13 a.m.: buttah

i tried to have this conversation with friends on a balcony in new york city� but nobody really understood what i was talking about. that really bugged me, because i don't know why� and i wonder how often that happens. am i so unclear? do people end up smiling and nodding with me very often, and i'm just too oblivious to realize that they have no idea what they're nodding to? am i that isolated?

the conversation was about the word "please"� i guess supplication in general. what it is. what it means. i was thinking about the power transfers involved, there� when you say "please" you are exercising power over someone, indirectly, for sure, but still. you're also giving them power. it's so deep, so mysterious. nothing is offered by "please"�. it's not a business transaction. it's not "give me a hand and i'll getcha back later." it's more than that. if a stranger is walking by while you are struggling with a large� mmm�box� he or she is operating under his or her own will, give or take a limitation or two. the moment you say "hey, can you please help me with this," you've introduced something new into the equation. he or she can no longer continue to walk by without experiencing an extra pressure� a guilt, or stress. he or she MUST choose whether or not to assist you. by saying "please," you've COMPELLED a person to make a clear decision about his or her next action. you've also RECALLED the person to a sense of his or her own power. "please" seems to be a way of saying "hey� i acknowledge that you are a willed being with the ability to make decisions. i would like to present this action as a possible decision that would benefit me in multiple ways, though it may not directly benefit you. i understand that you are under no obligation to assist me. however, you are not a very helpful or valuable human being if you do not occasionally contribute to the collective well-being of your universal family. unless you have reason to believe that helping me would be a bad or wasteful thing to do, why not start here?" or it could be a way of saying, "i hereby endow you with ultimate power over my wellbeing. use it wisely."

i don't know if that's right, or if i believe it� but that's what occurred to me and i can't let it go. saying please. thank you, too, for that matter. articles of politeness or articles of primordial governance? is there a difference?

i think too many words are overused. they lose their power. we stop asking what they mean. we stop caring.

anyway.. yeah. so i can't articulate that for others, but here it is for myself.

wanted to mention, too, that field day turned out to be awesome in many ways. it would have been fun to camp out for two days.. but sitting/standing/walking around in the giants stadium for one was nice, too. it rained the entire time, and was cold� but there were still ponchos and raincoats converging in front of the stages to bounce and dance and sway to various rhythms. radiohead and underworld were awesome. as were liz phair and beth orton. but i think my favorite was bright eyes, just because hearing it in person, seeing those words come out of an actual mouth and watching the eyes that followed them� was just amazing. it made my eyes and throat and temples burn.

sad and beautiful.

i would like to just be quiet and comfortable with you... with no noise or posturing. would that be alright?

inward...outward