2004-06-10 - 12:09 p.m.: jojoba

grip.

ungrip.

grip.

loosen grip.

get scared.

grip.

and so on.

***

i feel like some kid who ventures off land to find freedom. takes up her surfboard to feel free and flexible... to move with the waves... to ebb and flow along with forces she can't control. i feel like this child who, at the point at which she feels most free, most flexible--most thoroughly weaned from a stable, stationary life on land--suddenly realizes just how tightly she clings to her surfboard. just how strong the muscles in her fingers and toes have become from maintaining correct posture. just how dead she could be if she really let go.

the surfboard is a metaphor... sure. but i can't say exactly what it's meant to represent. if i knew, i wouldn't be using a metaphor.

a long time ago i heard someone saying that the essence of buddhism is one of "letting go" of desire and expectation. learning to be content with things as they are... learning to be content with discontent. achieving the sort of serenity that we usually reserve for death. a few years later i heard a priest talking about christian love... about the difference between a closed fist and an open hand. "if you are holding something tightly in your hand," he said, "your fingers are not only keeping that thing in your possession, but also keeping everything else out of your possession. if you open your hand you may lose control of that one thing, but you make yourself open to all things."

it seems...like it should be so simple.

i guess what i'm thinking is that in order to move from the *illusion* of freedom to *actual* freedom... i'd have to be willing to risk failure. swim instead of surf, despite a fear of drowning. fingers open to the threat of infinite emptiness. how the hell can a person survive on nothing? how can you have hope without expectation? is that the point? have homeless people got this figured out? or are they victims?

i can't look real human beings in the eye, lately, without feeling as though i should be doing something different with my life. i just don't know what that is.

is it america?

is it me?

do you feel like this?

of course i'm talking about material possessions... but i'm also talking about values. morality. science. emotion. law. love. those things that we use to ground us in our lives... to justify our actions and decisions. to rationalize our existence.

what are they besides reasons/tools that we use to pacify our minds and alleviate confusion?

what would we be without them?

maybe all the people who know for sure are dead.

inward...outward