last glass...dusty buckets...parched e-lips...sponge...drip...drop

2003-04-06 - 11:12 p.m.: anes(yn)thetic

the most incredible beauty... the saddest catastrophe. on the verge of spring and the trees shatter.

i drove home saturday to find the town glittering under a thick coat of ice. huge branches littered the roads, icicles weighed on the power lines and cars waited like larvae to break out of their slippery cocoons.

we were supposed to go backpacking in pinckney.

we did not.

instead, i toured the block with my little brother to take up-close pictures of nature at her most brilliantly savage. so much destruction. it looked magical... "the way a real winter wonderland would look," is how my brother put it. i wish i had the pictures to put in here. maybe some day i'll remember to copy them.

on the recommendation of a wonderful friend, i gave a lot of thought to 1, 2 and 10. i came to some conclusions:

1) much of my life can be described as a flight from responsibility...or avoiding the possibility of causing harm to others.

2) perpetual irresponsibility is impossible and undesirable and causes stress. people are fragile.

3) in denying the hurt that i do inevitably cause...i repudiate control and invite insult (i'd rather feel victimized than guilty) or run away (abandon?) or (and this is the part that causes shame/fear) lash out.

4) this is destructive and eliminates the possibility for authentic communication.


i mean... seriously. i don't know how all this came about, or how to "cure" it... but it's so dumb. it's so true. if i spot even one sign of weakness in a person, i run away. or hold back and dole out only sunshine and smiles. my defenses are so strong i could be a human shield all by myself... but it's not to protect ME. oh no. *i* can take care of my *self.* it's to protect YOU from all the damage i could do to you... because DAMN, i am one powerful, dangerous sea monster. the people i do relate closely to, of course, are so strong or distant that i can't even touch them. nothing within reach...nothing to break...nothing to fear.

i have to get over myself. i'm not that fucking tough.

"...stranded in infinity rooms
and they're safe from any harm
there's no other ending..." --beck