2002-06-03 - 7:16 p.m.: rollo-brownie soup

Haha... so the topic of my entry today will be addressing the tragedy of my absence... I blame it on love and having too little to do with myself... sinking in something that has nothing (much) to do with me... and not being at all concerned about that sad little fact. hmmmm....

Yeah. So I ended up going back to east lansing and abandoning all written communication with myself (not just this diary)... and the communication that I DID have (with myself) was centered around justifying actions that were self-demeaning or rationalizing feelings I was having that were self-diminishing... I've always been great at rationalizing (it's so much easier when you can free yourself from the constraints of logic) and I'm afraid I worked myself over just a little too well. I don't even want to describe the kind of person I've been for the last few months... it makes me sad just to think about that wasted time.

but this is not meant to be an entry trashing love... not at all... just love that *tries*... love that forgets to think about why it's trying... love that is focused on a person or an object instead of itself. so. yep.

I'm back.

It's wonderful to be here, now.

...I've added a few things to my profile, one of which is the name of a movie "Waking Life" that I highly recommend to anyone who happens across this little entry. I watched it twice in the same night... once high, once tired (did that have an effect? I don't know...) but it made me feel the same sort of awe and bigness and smallness that I felt when I first realized that other people thought that god was a question, too. I don't know how to describe it... whatever I could say would not match the feelings it would produce in anyone else, so I don't think I'll try right now. just watch it. rent it. whatever. it's relatively new, so it'll be in the new release section if anywhere...

umm... I have to go to class now, but you'll be hearing from me fairly regularly, at least until I find out that my career options will take me into the middle of some crazy wilderness populated by willowy cave-dwellers who have never even heard of the internet, but prefer to communicate through telepathy and body language...

"Wow, look at you now

Flowers in the window

Such a lovely day

And I'm glad you feel the same

'Cause you stand up

Out in the ground

You are one in a million

And I love you so

Let's watch the flowers grow...� -- Travis

inward...outward