2002-11-27 - 11:02 a.m.: chaser

i just realized that i've been using the word "evil" quite frequently. which is strange, because i don't believe in evil. i see evil as one of the most useless (but dangerous) concepts to ever have seeped its way into human consciousness. the idea that some things or people or notions could be, by nature, "bad"..? how absurd. everything has a positive effect for someone or something, somewhere. everything has a negative effect, as well. even if you're the world's biggest, smelliest asshole... well.. you're fertilizing something.

so basically... when i worry that i'm evil, i'm not. it's a lie. i worry that i'm wasteful. that i'm using my gifts (life, intelligence, consciousness) in ridiculous, meaningless ways. that i'm not contributing anything *besides* fertilizer. (which turns it into an ego thing. why do i want to help others? because i have magical powers to transform a balanced, perfect world into something that's over-bright and goofy and lopsided and owes it all to me. i can make people smile against their will. what hubris. :) if i only thought with clarity at these moments... at all moments, really. that's what's lacking. clarity.

life. it's like being fully-equipped SOME of the time. the rest of the time you're out of your mind.

inward...outward