2002-12-05 - 1:35 p.m.: snowman tears

last night was one of those nights that last straight through to the next afternoon. i'm still recovering. bleahhhhh.

but.. it's been awhile.. so i'll rewind it for you.

thanksgiving (oh so long ago) was nice. i ate side-dishes. the turkey made me drool until i looked at it... dead muscle and skin, with bread and raisins shoved up the ass. yummay.

i bought nothing on "buy nothing day."

on saturday i discovered my softer side. i was walking along, wishing the sidewalks weren't sooo well-shoveled (so that i could experience the crunchiness of footsteps in fresh snow).... glaring at the blinking, multi-colored christmas light displays with gaudy plastic santas, snowmen and white-wire reindeer with "action" antlers...being offended by the macro-mini vans with their american flags clipped to windows and bumper stickers bragging about bland, well-behaved children... generally "BahHumbug!"ing the world. pshah. then i saw this slender twig of a tree... stuffed into the ground like a freedom flag, bundled in burlap at the base and supported by strings on the sides. a baby. my softer side bitch-slapped my cynical side and said "shut-the-f*ck-up, girl, the world is f*cking beautiful. grow into it already." my cynical side is still a little tender from that.

i've forgotten sunday already. how sad.

and monday and tuesday.

what?

yesterday i found a job that would be perfect for me... not for the money or even (really) the job itself (it's lowly and unglamorous)... but for what i'd be helping to support... and who i'd be working with. it's with The SUN Magazine out of NC... i sent out my resume & cover letter this morning... i took forever to decide to let them go. i'm nervous. i hope i get it.

ummm..... last night we went to k's apartment to smoke a bit. DAMN. it was the most potent i've ever tried... which may or may not be saying much. i have never gotten as deeply into these things as others i know. it's a little too special to do all the time. i think, for me, "drugs" are more like a religious rite than a habit. i would like to frame those moments in meaning. i think for many people... most people i know... it's more of a hobby. a pasttime. something to do when there's nothing else to do. something to do that makes other things easier or more fun to do. i don't know...but it's a way of looking at the world that provides a sense of pleasure, for them, that supercedes what is actually seen. maybe. i need to think this through more.

ok. maybe more tonight...... this is a sad, sloppy entry. sorry.

inward...outward