2003-02-03 - 6:14 p.m.: condensation

i've been in such a strange, unhinged sort of mood, lately. as in, i'll be walking down the sidewalk toward a particular destination (or not) and TWANG (like the sound of a rubber band snapping) it'll hit me: running is faster than walking. DUH. but of course i can't just tear off down the sidewalk like a madwoman, right? (this is rhetorical, i've tried it before and it makes too many people get that "worried" look that's so distressful). so... walking becomes a penance... my usual loping, arm-swinging stride becomes a somber, wistful march to the rhythm of: "this pavement is too hard, dada, these boots are too heavy and, dada, there's nothing keeping me from reaching the end-of-this-cold-gray-slushy-strip-in-two-minutes-instead-of-ten-but-my-own-goddamn-SOCIALLY-CONSTRUCTED-HOMO-SAPIEN-INHIBITIONSFUCKME!!!! (stomp stomp stomp).... dada."

as though... life would be perfect if i could just take off all my clothes and race like a cheetah down the street.

uh huh.

what i want right now is a loooooooong white beach with huge waves and no people around. i want to fling things out into forever and wonder if they'll come back. i want to be knocked sideways, over and under by something i can't control or ask to slow down or ease up. i want to be... Elemental. that's it.

i want to be Elemental.

help me.

or don't. no. don't. this will be fun. :)

************

*on again*

i just thought i'd mention that running in icy rain is F.U.N. fun! especially when the puddles have icebergs floating in them. the friction-less pavement made me work 4x as hard as on dry ground... and the precariousness (or foolishness)of my situation made me feel like laughing. but it was the kind of laugh that's a little embarassed for itself, since it's all alone with nobody to join in. you know. so. i'm freezing and wet. off to soak in hot bubblesmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

*off again*

inward...outward