2002-02-03 - 12:08 a.m.: house blend

i was thinking earlier about what clever things i could do to celebrate my fiftieth entry. one was making a list of 50 things i've learned since number one.

god.

i couldn't think of one thing i've learned that isn't contradicted by another. i guess i'd have to shove them all in one bag called "uncertainty." nothing is certain. nothing is complete. nothing disappears and nothing is ever entirely perceived. i will never find out who i am. i will never find out what this is for. i will never reach a point where i can say, "i've won."

and that's ok.

"but in my defense, i'd do it again...

i don't need to know who you are..."

time can force you to re-ask every question you ever thought you could turn away from. often it hands you new ones.

think about this, just for a moment: how many different people have you "been" in your life? how many attitudes? how many voices? how many faces with how many dreams?

which ones are dead and which ones keep showing up?

which ones haven't even been born, yet?

you see.... for how much i think i've grown... for how wise and fulfilled i can feel sometimes... i haven't gotten rid of the scuffed-up little girl who keeps her heart in her fist, her hands in her pockets, and her eyes in the shadows because she doesn't believe she's loved. she's there, in the rotation of fierce soldiers and winking sages and clowns. she's here, hiding under the sofa until her number comes up. it's like russian roulette for the psyche. i don't know where i'll be or what i'll be doing when that vulnerability surfaces.... and it pisses me off. i don't want to be that far out of my own control.

i AM that far out of my own control.

what is this?

i wandered around in a big corporate bookstore tonight without buying anything and read most of "kierkegaard's parables" (edited by some guy)... i couldn't focus on their implications... on the questions they posed. i read them as stories... as little fairytales. i don't know why. i think that's ok.

i think it's all ok.

so.... shortened version of previous entry plan:

1) through 49) "nothing's certain."

50) "that's ok."

thank you good night.

inward...outward