2003-03-18 - 9:45 a.m.: green beer

i feel raw today.

ran 12 miles on sunday to celebrate the beautiful weather, but now my throat is messed up. yesterday i had a sexy, husky voice... today i hardly have a voice at all. maybe i'm catching the new strain of pneumonia...i've always been cutting edge like that.

one of my little brothers turned 18 yesterday. he's not allowed to drink alcohol, yet he could be "selected for service" if this war goes on to demand more human resources. i would be murderous if that happened. i had a dream last week about the soldiers heading over there... it broke my heart. it ran like a documentary, with interviews of these sturdy, vital bodies vibrating with fears of chemicals, germs, burns, bombs and bullets...trying to resolve these fears with bravado and technology. it wasn't real, but it changed me. it made me feel that the whole country should fake exuberance just to make these kids feel better about what they're being told to do... what they're being told to risk. but...i don't think we can. it's just ugly all around. nothing to smile about or wave banners for. war is nothing like it used to be. we can't pretend to be that innocent anymore. we can't pretend to be that sure. i bet if our congress took a moment to think about bravery and fear and sacrifice...their own sons and daughters and brothers and sisters... they wouldn't think it was such a hot idea to fuck around with french fries. instead, we'd all take a moment of silence to think about what exactly we're asking these solid healthy bodies to give up, and why. then we could either send them off properly with solemn thanks and sincere best wishes... or just hold them and tell them we love them too much to let go. the way it is now is just wrong. they're being treated like tools.

yes...i think that many of us are feeling raw these days.

i want to feel less angry right now.

i'll let you know how that goes.

inward...outward