2003-03-19 - 4:28 p.m.: whisk-y

have you ever tried to experiment with your own psychology? it's strange. it's unsettling. i feel like i'm playing two contradicting roles (who the hell am i kidding, i AM playing two contradicting roles!)...i am the hard-edged scientist with one eye fused to the penetrating lens of discovery...and I am the mysterious swimming droplet flattened between two transparent slides. sides? slides.

i apply and withdraw forces. i light fires. i diffuse. i spin, dye, feed and starve for pure effect. I react.

neither of us is learning anything new, here.

i am trying to install kinks in old patterns and invigorate my staled sense of self with some lime green buoyancy. you know. it's like this:

a while ago i sprouted an appendage, like a tentacle, that linked me to another person. it was happy, supersensitive and playful like a child. it wound itself around me and him and kept us close and squirming. today this tentacle has nothing to do. it just hangs there. when it tries to play it gets swatted away by annoyed fingers and cold excuses. it is heavy. it is ugly. it steals my energy for its self-pitying tantrums. it drags. i thought about this dilemma and decided that the kind and prudent thing to do would be to kill it. chopping it off would be too messy (and might indeed injure me, the host body/psyche) but tying it off�death by asphyxiation?�i can handle that. so it's started. the tourniquet is in place. fate is sealed. someone lend me a sweater to drape over it so i won't be moved by its color or cries.

thank you.

g called me a few minutes ago to talk. about the war. he is freaked. he is raw. he doesn't understand how something so unsupported can move so quickly through possibility and probability to become reality. he doesn't know how to prioritize things in his life�how to care about the little things *in* his control while his biggest concern lies entirely *outside* of it. i did not know what to say to him. i wanted to apologize. i think i did. i think i apologized for all of us. i hope you don't mind.

i am less angry than i was yesterday.

no. actually i'm not.

i'm just happier about other things.

happy and angry. i guess it's better than numb.

stay with me, here.

*sigh*

inward...outward