2003-03-24 - 6:18 p.m.: distilled water

i don't really want to write about this, but i feel like i should. after all, it's a first. my first word is written down, my first steps recorded... my first lost tooth is in a jar somewhere... so why not this?

being dumped (?) (an odd, unsuitable phrase.. but i don't know what else to use!) has obliged me to find a way to turn square six into square one. or, at least build something resembling a square one. or maybe just hop over to triangle 9 and pretend that none of this has anything to do with me. :)

it will be a test of will...then a test of character. i'm beginning to see that denial leads to shock leads to sadness leads to anger (leads to acceptance?)... and if i can scoot through that without acquiring any kind of lingering aftertaste, then i've passed. the only thing i'm afraid of, really, is throwing myself away to the first new distraction that comes along. surrendering growth to complacency and kneeling under the first voice to say "oh yes... you are good."

it would feel like a big, fuzzy towel right out of the dryer wrapped around cold and clammy storm-soaked skin.

ooooooh. disastrous.

i need to feel this through all the way... thaw myself out with motion.

and, well...there are things i need to learn before taking another step.

to give a person too much credit never used to be a bad thing... but i think it could be criminal. it puts him/her in debt for things he/she doesn't really want or need and makes him/her feel robbed. i need to learn how to judge what people want--or deserve--instead of just throwing everything out there and expecting them to be okay with it. my ego is too squishy for that. :) i need to think, more, before acting and speaking. i need to rein everything in, and take attendance. i need to know that what i present is me, truly, and not some spastic knee-jerk socially-conditioned response to outside noise. i need to establish a more constant tranquility on the inside so that i can feel safe in bouts of rowdiness.

among others.

if i was an economy, i'd be depressed. all production, no intake. no fiscal accountability whatsoever.

it's a good thing i'm not an economy. :)

i may write about this more, but i doubt it. i think i'm done.

have a good night!!!

inward...outward