2003-03-30 - 10:48 p.m.: steering fluid

i feel like some time long ago, perhaps when i was just a baby, perhaps before... i threw a ball as far as i could and labeled the spot where it landed "the edge of the universe." the rest of my life since then has been a matter of running up to this weary ball and kicking it with great spite and enthusiasm. sometimes i feel like i'm kicking it backwards. sometimes i just trip on it. sometimes i kick it so far that i can't see where it landed and have to spend some time looking for it.

i think that's where i am right now.

it's been an interesting weekend.

i have no idea what i'm doing here.

sometimes i feel like lending myself out to someone else for a while. give myself a break. give myself a show. watch some stranger mold me into something amazing or funny or crude... then grab it all back, roll it between my palms and start over again with renewed inspiration.

maybe that's the whole problem.

i could start something with someone i've met a few times but don't know. i could start it yesterday. his eyes are startling. there are rumors. we spoke through glances riding on words. he lives in a world i've never belonged to. maybe that's good. i feel cautious. i'm not sure. maybe it's already started. maybe. today it's suspended in waiting. it may fall by tomorrow. i think i may let it. maybe it will land on all fours like a cat. maybe it will just swing forever.

who knows.

i don't know how to drive this thing...but i don't want to give up the wheel.

so...buckle your fuckin' seatbelt. :o)

yeah.

iloveyougoodnight.

inward...outward