2003-04-14 - 2:49 p.m.: cheezwhizzz

i saw "bring in da noise, bring in da funk" with savion glover on friday night. i enjoyed it immensely, but during the last half i was extremely uncomfortable. not because of anything going on in the show (amazing, really, eye-opening and hypnotic) but because i became intensely aware of my role as a spectator. i have been a spectator for TOO DAMN LONG. it infuriates me to think of it. life demands a merging of the two--that we grow as watchful players--but i think i've sidestepped that balance in favor of observation. i think many people do. there's so much to see, so much to be... that you get in this mindset of "i don't have to choose... i can be and do EVERYTHING, vicariously." but it doesn't work that way. it never has. take it too far and we'll have an h.g. wells / matrix world where entire populations of people exist as minds floating in murkily nourishing liquids... bodiless, chemically and electrically absorbing the enormity of what's being *performed* by everyone else, feeling as though they're efficiently living thousands of lives at once, when really they're barely living at all. movies and computer games are even worse... at least when there are live people in front of you, you get the chance to realize what you're missing (if you're paying attention). you can see the sweat. hear the grunts. it's real. i want to be the one making rhythms. i don't want an audience. i want everyone to be on the stage at the same time, experiencing each other experiencing each other and doing.

creating.

that would be perfect.

*begin inanity: this weekend was full of wonderful things i could do... i had to choose. i'm not sure if i chose right. it doesn't matter. my little brother turned a whopping 13 years old, and he loved that i was there to see it. my car's making terrible noises. i need shorts. i want a haircut. i found my roller-blades in a wagon. the sun is out and so are the smiles. summer music inspires howls. end inanity*

*begin mush: ultimate starts up tomorrow afternoon. i'm jumping for joy, here. really. my blood is excited to do more than just flow. my feet are excited to do more than just run in circles. my body is ready to subject itself to the game whose rules often challenge those of physics. i want to play outside. end mush*

*begin nose-wrinkle: so far the only hard part about this whole thing has been dealing with the random bouts of inspiration re: "nice things to do" that force me to remember that it's no longer okay to do them. like... reading an article that he'd really like, or finding a toy that would make him smile. when that happens i get a strange, uncomfortable feeling that starts in my shoulders, climbs up the back of my neck and washes through my head to dissolve in my temples. it leaves a trail of heat, but no clear impressions. it's not good or bad. i don't know what it is, and that bothers me. end nose-wrinkle*

*begin random little cheesy bit of wisdom: i was walking down the hall today (clean, shimmering, well-waxed floors) when i tripped on the sole of my right shoe (buckled, no laces). to avoid falling i did a little skip (like a "jig," only less polished) and imagined that it had been seen by someone (it hadn't) who said (they didn't) "hey, fancy footwork!" i then took this imaginary encounter as a reminder to appreciate the natural grace we all possess in narrowly (and mindlessly) avoiding disaster. next time you find yourself tripping out of a fall, listen to the beating of your heart, grasp the absurdity of your concern(s) and drink in the beauty of the moment. it will make you smile, guaranteed. end random little cheesy b.o.w.*

i think that's all.

yep.

play outside for me, will you?

thanks!

inward...outward