2003-04-15 - 5:12 p.m.: flax seed oil

i think the thing that screws me up more than anything is worrying about what other people think of me. (i know, i know... that sounds so common. it's everybody's problem. but it just occurred to me�call me slow.) when you're alone in your perception... when it's *YOU* that you have to please... it's easy to be "perfect." you measure your strengths and weaknesses against your own standards, criticize or praise yourself in a language that you can understand and fortify your weak points using patches that match. like skin grafts. but when you're operating under someone else's standards�for whatever reason�your sensibilities fail you. the language doesn't work. the tools are all wrong. the prosthetics rejected. you waste energy trying to contort yourself to match an ideal that you've never even seen. at least i do. this is where my ego really kills me... i think *everyone* should appreciate the qualities that i appreciate. they don't. i see their disappointment as something i can correct. i can't.

and that's that.

i'm only saying this because after my entry yesterday i spent some time trying to pin down what happened... how everything went so wrong, got so ugly. i can't take all the credit, but i can take a lot of it. it was like... trying to jam two puzzle pieces together that really don't fit. they never will, unless you call the surrender of bruised, blurry edges "fitting." have you ever done that? tried to put a puzzle together thinking that if you just forced it hard enough it would work? i have. it's sad. by the time you give up you have an ugly, mangled piece that no longer fits anywhere, because cardboard doesn't heal.

but people do.

and that's that.

someday, if i'm lucky, i'll be an old lady.

i think i'll make a rather good one.

(if you *are* me as an old lady reading this... please go outside and play now. no matter what the weather looks like. even if you have to use a cane. drag that old, crinkly body out and sniff the air. even if it's polluted. your lungs are strong and curious, i've made sure of it. then take a good look up at the sky. even if you have to keep your eyes closed. just tilt it all backwards and remember this day. because it's beautiful and unique, and it makes me-right-now get to time travel a little bit. thanks!)

inward...outward