2003-04-17 - 12:03 a.m.: ketchup

yuuuup. wine night again. bear with me.

( i swear i'm not bad enough that you should judge me for driving home. but you can criticize my writing and i won't mind. somewhere in between here and there.)

this music is fabulous... "guide my feet... hold my hand... take my hand... precious looooooohoooord... and leeead meeeeeee hooome" had an incredible conversation about religion tonight... most of us are "post-religion" wonderers, but lo is very baptist... i kept looking at her out of the corner of my eye, thinking, "what is she thinking? what is she feeling? does she hate us, pity us, love us?" while using the corner of my mouth to stir up everything she believes in with suggestions and smiles. all i could see were question marks in her eyes... she was very human. so loevly. and iz really moved me with his "love your enemies" after getting the shit kicked out of him (i wasn't there but the drama was seh-eh-vere)... i can't help but respect people who find what they think is truth and who stick by it no matter how much it hurts... no matter where they find that truth or what they call it. i can't seem to find anything resembling truth. i make it up and change it as i go along. maybe that *is* a form of truth. i don't know. i don't care. it works for me. i think if i bumped into jesus or buddha or god i would fall in love, instantly. i think that's all that matters. fuck dogma.

"such a rainy night in georgia. i feel like it's raining all over the world. have you ever been lonely, people?"

also ran into k to the ilo and b to the laylo.... strange strange strange. i had forgotten they existed. then, to be reminded, then to be dragged in, then to be invited in, then to wonder... who are they? who am i? i don't know about anything. i hope my weather trick worked. sunburns look better in sunshine than on ice.

accidental blues...

go here and tell me what you think.

i fell asleep last night wondering how you could possibly define something like density if you really believed in infinity.... then i started thinking about monads.. then i read z0tl's poetrixes and everything just started humming. i love when that happens..... i hate work. i hate responsibility. i want to use a whole day... a whole month... a whole lifetime to just absorb information.. to follow paths of interest from one topic to another to another.. to get lost in minds, in ideas, in ways of thinking... but it seems that every time i get really drawn to something i have to pull back to keep from getting sucked in... i get to a point where if my name is called--loudly--i won't hear it. i try to stay away. i wish i could live there. why can't i?

why do i have to pull back?

what keeps me tethered to THEIR reality when mine is so much better?

okay.. okay. i'm going to use this next hour to get lost. don't call my name... i won't be here. i love you anyway. goodbye.

inward...outward