2003-05-05 - 2:49 p.m.: WD40

meeting deadlines. making people happy. making the team. paying for bones that i haven't even broken yet. (literally.) worrying about whether to say yes or no to questions that may or may not be asked.

i think i'd rather act consciously (and badly?) than happen according to plan. keep patterns in the past and always turn in angles away...

turn it *off*

...and suddenly, i have no idea what i'm doing.

(if only it were that easy to become lost and found. spill yourself into a tattered brown box behind the counter with a tag naming the date and location of the last time you were self-possessed. inhale. wait for your self to come again and claim you with a relieved smile. wait to return from rest to usefulness. know that when it happens you'll feel renewed, revitalized, with a fresh appreciation for busyness and exhaustion. exhale.)

living from one moment to the next is easy and free and will-wasting. surprisingly soft, like cake. rots your teeth. impossible to map things out entirely in advance... obstacles get in the way (wait, wait...dealing with obstacle-adventures can be challengingly fun--and can i really be truly spontaneous if i don't have a schedule to slap in the face?)...

maybe the best bet is to plan things out like a mousetrap or honda ad, then get things rolling. get involved like i really care, then laugh when it all falls apart. maybe yell, too. improvise. then start over with a more educated sense of what i need to do to make it better, slicker, smoother.

fitter, happier, more productive.

heh.

maybe not.

on the other hand... maybe i'm a cog in a machine already set up by someone else. maybe me wondering how best to exercise my will is as hilarious as a lever wondering whether or not it should fall beneath a perfectly-calculated force.

but it's fun.

it's all really fun.

:O)

inward...outward