2003-07-14 - 12:01 p.m.: noni juice

if you were a huge multi-faceted creature in an infinite space with no friends� what would you do? would you have nerves, senses? what would they do? what would they feel? if the universe was a desensitization chamber built for you� to contain you� would you be angry? what would you do with that rage?

i think you would be amazed. i think you would be sad. lonely. i think you would be wise and confused. i think your nerves would grow feet and flippers and wings and roots and stems and micro-flagella and they would crash into each other, love each other, kill and caress each other�weave in and out of each other�just to feel alive. just to feel SOMETHING. i think your anger would be directed at yourself. yourselves. i think your love would win. i think you'd grow up and out and around your own mysteries, creating beauty and destruction and twiddling your zillions of fingers and toes for the day the lid cracks open and lets you back into the place that you miss. i think you call it heaven. i think you don't remember exactly what it was like, or how you fit into it�. but you know that you were loved by someone with warm breath and a tingly touch� that someone whispered sweet things to you in a language you no longer know. you remember music and math� folds of liquid tenderness and views of infinity. you tell yourselves stories about this place and make promises you hope you can keep.

you hope you last long enough to keep them.

you don't know if you can die, here.

you don't know if you can really call this living.

you start to lose hope and think that if you could only just forget this� forget yourself� forget who you are and where you came from�what you miss�. you'll be okay. it's just this despair that's got you down. this mysterious, sad, broken-off ending. so you practice forgetting the beginning.

you've almost got it.

but every now and then a part of you asks "why" or "how" or "what" and it hurts. a little pang that recalls you to your doubt.

you've almost got it. but not quite.

you're still very much alone.

but we're trying.

inward...outward