2003-07-17 - 3:55 p.m.: brine

agony last night trying to find a way to sleep that left my right shoulder blade (that's scapula for your left brain, vestigial wing socket for your right) pain free and my skinned shin bone up and un-rubbed. this is the first time (i think) since childhood that physical pain has made me want to cry (want to because i'm feeling tough� maybe one frustrated tear slipped out. maybe)� when i finally got up for good this morning i knocked a vertical blind out of the way to check the weather and noticed that trees had been torn out, a parking lot dug up and two huuuuuuuuuge mounds of dirt piled up right in front of my window� one was sand-colored, the other was a little darker, with an orange-ish tint. it looked like a moonscape--virgin dunes--and snapped me out of my early morning-lingering-late-night routine. i had to go. they're building condos.

i feel like i'm pinning all my hopes on a newborn whim. i want to move to seattle. oh. well portland's good, too� and cheaper. minneapolis is okay� ahhhhh, or madison!!�. getting closer and closer to staying here just because i'm not getting any closer to there. but when i think about that� i get stuffy. breathing gets harder. honestly� like a physical manifestation of psychological claustrophobia. i've had it on and off before, but never like this. i can only think of coldness, and sweaters. cool, dewy breezes. salt. horizons that go on forever. i think it's something else, but i don't know what. the other side of the world wouldn't be far enough. like an animal. ESCAPE, ESCAPE, ESCAPE.

but things haven't been this good, here, in a long time.

how strange.

feel pulled at. don't like it. choppy sentences reflect choppy thoughts, poor syntax. starting things and never

(you know how it is)

(bye for now!)

inward...outward