2003-07-30 - 4:12 p.m.: quicksliver

inside-out porcupine, lately. everything stings.

and i think i'm being ultra defensive (bordering on offensive?) because of it. last night's game was really disappointing� we really REALLY should've won� but hmmm. just stupid mistakes and missed opportunities, i guess. i really don't know. i feel like taking the blame because it's "my" team and i should be a "strong leader," never have been one of those� but i think i can't really even do that. i don't know what i'm doing there. just making people feel good? making the kid smile. making his dad proud. whatever. i don't even care, really, if we win. i just don't want to lose all of them. not ALL of them. that's just sad.

maybe outside-out porcupine. i'm definitely keeping people at a distance.

maybe driven completely through with tiny spears. monstrous. maybe just alone.

i don't feel close to anyone. even luscious. i feel like a chunk of his past. like something he gets reminded of. it's hard being here, now. if you've ever been that close to someone� and then had to back off and be polite, gentle� watch someone else occupy that space�smile about it�. you know. i just want to leave. i don't know how much of it is just this mood� just this prickliness� and how much of it is real. permanent. i guess it doesn't really matter. not really.

this is my shame-faced entry� why? i think someone may have found this diary.. and i dunno. whatever. i figure mad detective skills should be rewarded. if you find anything thrilling, keep it. it's on the house.

(that's meant to be intoned with a smile� because really, i don't care. i feel bad about how i've felt lately--today especially--but only because i shouldn't. because everything's wonderful� i'm absurd.)

(racing under my skin)

inward...outward