2003-08-11 - 12:44 p.m.: cherry-flavored expectorant

i just had a sunday school flashback: sister mary, father frank, rowdiness on weekdays bought by sunday's sacred silence, children kneeling in single file to apologize for baby transgressions� "o my god i am hardly (heartily?) sorry for having offended thee. and i detest ALL my sins because of thy just punishment. but MOST of all, because they offend YOU, my god, who are ALL good, and deserving of all my love�" (repeating this at hard wooden desks, in unison, wondering why we were not all-the-way sorry, wondering what just punishment awaited us. second grade. i have done so many things, thought so many thoughts since then� it's just hard to believe that any of them were sins. the sins would be the things, i think, that i didn't do. that i didn't fully appreciate. that i ignored. i wouldn't know what to apologize for. i would apologize for apologizing, i think. maybe that's bad.)

during the past week i found out 1) that i'm moving to seattle before the end of the month; 2) that i'll be working for peanuts and 3) knowledge and 4) good people; 5) that it's okay to love luscious forever, no matter where or why or how i do it; 6) that orchids look the way they do to attract horny flying insects; 7) that i'm a horny flying insect; 8) that i'm an orchid; 9) (that's bullshit, and you know it); 10) that the times during which it's hardest to keep a "thought-log" are those times during which it would be most helpful and most dangerous. when thoughts are most scattered, feelings most fuzzy. while riding more on impulse than on reason� driven by inarticulable sensations. i think it's important to let that happen, sometimes. it keeps fear or doubt from locking you into your comfort zone. if you don't have a chance to think or decide, you don't have a chance to fuck up who you are, who you're inclined to be. orchids and bugs; 11) sheee-it, man...

details, details. i'm too wired right now to formulate a good entry. driven to thinking by inward and outward and backward and forward thrusts. like life.

i will talk to you tomorrow.

inward...outward