2003-08-11 - 12:44 p.m.: cherry-flavored expectorant

i just had a sunday school flashback: sister mary, father frank, rowdiness on weekdays bought by sunday's sacred silence, children kneeling in single file to apologize for baby transgressions… "o my god i am hardly (heartily?) sorry for having offended thee. and i detest ALL my sins because of thy just punishment. but MOST of all, because they offend YOU, my god, who are ALL good, and deserving of all my love…" (repeating this at hard wooden desks, in unison, wondering why we were not all-the-way sorry, wondering what just punishment awaited us. second grade. i have done so many things, thought so many thoughts since then… it's just hard to believe that any of them were sins. the sins would be the things, i think, that i didn't do. that i didn't fully appreciate. that i ignored. i wouldn't know what to apologize for. i would apologize for apologizing, i think. maybe that's bad.)

during the past week i found out 1) that i'm moving to seattle before the end of the month; 2) that i'll be working for peanuts and 3) knowledge and 4) good people; 5) that it's okay to love luscious forever, no matter where or why or how i do it; 6) that orchids look the way they do to attract horny flying insects; 7) that i'm a horny flying insect; 8) that i'm an orchid; 9) (that's bullshit, and you know it); 10) that the times during which it's hardest to keep a "thought-log" are those times during which it would be most helpful and most dangerous. when thoughts are most scattered, feelings most fuzzy. while riding more on impulse than on reason… driven by inarticulable sensations. i think it's important to let that happen, sometimes. it keeps fear or doubt from locking you into your comfort zone. if you don't have a chance to think or decide, you don't have a chance to fuck up who you are, who you're inclined to be. orchids and bugs; 11) sheee-it, man...

details, details. i'm too wired right now to formulate a good entry. driven to thinking by inward and outward and backward and forward thrusts. like life.

i will talk to you tomorrow.

inward...outward