2003-05-20 - 3:37 p.m.: bac(kw)ardi

updated my email account today...cleaned out folders... felt quiet and thoughtful wading around in words arranged in ways to make me feel...mmmm... *something else*. i don't know. relationships change, i know... but something in those leftover words will last longer... and it's that something that makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

it's like the skeleton that's left after everything else has rotted away or changed form. the dental records that dare you to say that there will evah be another life exactly like the one that was lost. the evidence that slaps your reincarnation in the face.

leaves me hungry.

and well.. it turns out i'm getting everything i want, again, with 95% certainty. and a $1 raise that i didn't even think to want. and i'm going to learn how to climb rocks. i was told that it's addicting... that after you get to the point at which you can move up and down the side of a cliff like a fly on a wall--without fear--you start to want the fear again... you ache for it and try things that put it back in you. i was told that if i get into it, i'll want to move to colorado. that i'll look for higher, steeper, more crumbly faces to scale. it made it sound like death. i go in one month.

it's in my blood.

it feels like space.

i was thinking about speech the other day...you know that every time you make a sound, you move the air in a peculiar fashion. you create specific vibrations. you shape. when you say a p after an s as in "spore," you collect droplets of saliva on the tip of your tongue then launch them forcefully into your immediate environment. i saw this in the smoke at the bar when lips said "specific." little clouds. so... just so you know... magic words *may* be magic in ways you don't know. you are swirling life forms in your mouth and making meaning in more than one way. so... brush up on your vocabulary because the more words you know, the more brilliantly you can act out the intentions of the little universe inside of you that formulates the thoughts you *think* are yours.

the weather is goofy and i think i'll watch a movie tonight instead of yesterday...

AND

there is a certain beauty in cars changing lanes ahead of you while the Be Good Tanyas apologize in beautiful tones for breaking homes and your legs change positions according to your muscles' immediate desires. there is something inevitable about it that follows a rhythm independent of anything you can hear or feel or see. a lot of things are like that.

at least today.

i feel loose.

i think i will never fit in with the old ultimate people, anymore. i don't know why... but they talk around me, now... in circles. i try to be friendly but there's always something there, in between. i don't know... i don't know. i don't care. yes i do. but it doesn't matter.

i think i'm just in the middle of a sadness that will last until it's finished with me. but please don't feel bad, because there's no reason for it and i know it so it doesn't hurt. it might even be a little bit refreshing. you know... like taking a cold shower every now and then is good for you. keeps the capillaries from getting too comfortable. keeps the heart from slacking.

i wish i had a bass player, a whistler and a drum player living in this room to play for me whenever i wanted. i would feed them very well. maybe even steaks, if they wanted.

or tofu.

making wishes must be the easiest thing in the world to do. there's really nothing to it.

inward...outward