2003-05-28 - 2:56 p.m.: drain-o

update:

deeeeetoxification
sounded like a good idea yesterday
but today cantaloupe tastes funny
and rice sounds sweeter
than ever

but grocery shopping is more fun when you buy fruits and vegetables. the person in front of you in line is likely to have horrible cell-phone manners and ugly reasoning "oh, i know what you guys were all talking about. do you think i wouldn't find out? no, i won't tell you what i heard. no. because you KNOW! whatever. i also know that someone wants to kick your ass, and it's not me. i'm not saying who. no! whatever. i just can't believe you thought i wouldn't find out. oh, plastic is fine. no. NO. whatever. you are such a fucking liar. whatever. you KNOW what i'm mad about. yes you do. whatever. want to hang out tonight? etc." but it won't bother you because the lady behind you is small and sweet and carrying six tubes of rosebud lipstick because, as she tells the young man behind her, who smiles at you, she keeps misplacing hers and wants to be sure that she's never left pale-lipped in a time of need. "a lifetime supply," she says. bright-wise-eyes and optimism, considering she looks over 80, makes you smile. the man behind the counter looks middle-aged, and his glasses magnify his eyes making you think that there is something in them to be studied. his voice is far-away-flavored and he reminds you of someone you've always wanted to hug and pick flowers for. he smiles at you when you leave and tells you to have a "verly beautifleh night."

which is nice, because you do.

you have two overdue videos that you want to watch to make the fees feel useful. one is beautiful people, and they are. the other is ripe, and it tries to be. they both make you think and give you strange dreams. the cantaloupe washes them away before you can remember.

you have a new-old orange sports bag.

"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of..." (Michel de Montaigne)

you have seen people hypnotized.

you have seen a look in a friend's eyes that makes you wonder what would happen if you ever looked that deeply again... cry or fall in love?... and you have things to look forward to that distract you from your tendency to look back.

you've lost all taste for fiction. you want ideas with the heat preserved...minds that don't try to fit into plots. they work you.

you've also come to the temporary conclusion that the way to live life well is to pretend that somewhere out there (or in there?) everything you say or think or feel or do is being recorded in perfect detail to be accessed after death. so don't waste time trying to make things last. they already do. don't waste time trying to get things back. you have them forever. don't waste time trying to make things go away. they won't. just don't do anything a god wouldn't do, basically.

create beauty.

that's what *you* think.

inward...outward