2003-07-21 - 9:45 p.m.: sprite

made bean sprout and tofu stir fry on friday with too-old bean sprouts and shady tofu... spent the night puking my guts and brain and soul out. called mary saturday morning to say that i *wouldn't* be riding to practice with her because i didn't know what it was & didn't want to get her baby sick... but i'd be there, anyway, because i'm so hardcore like that. she said "how thoughtful!" i wondered. putzed around wondering what to put in my stomach to make running around in the sun "okay"... nothing fit... scraped change from pockets to purchase saltines and sports drink at the gas station. running late. feeling light-headed and wacky. tired. on the road..... miles and miles from anywhere.... behind a white car in front of a black car five deer bounded into our three lanes and three of them bounded out. i swerved right then left and COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE because i didn't even check my mirrors but didn't and missed every piece of deer except (i think) perhaps a grounded hoof or head. everyone kept going.

that was what freaked me out. everyone kept going.

i wondered if it had really happened. i STILL wonder if it really happened. i wanted to pull over to the side of the road and check my car for bloodstains.... i wanted to catch the glance of someone who had seen it... wanted to be flipped off for my carelessness... wanted to see fear or pity or disgust or annoyance. but i had slowed down in my momentary stunned-ness and they had all passed by. i smelled something strange and noticed that my sports drink had flown to the other side of the car to spill on the seat and the floor. that was relief... at LEAST i had swerved. for something.

so disturbing. i told everyone about it that day. i don't know what i wanted. i think i was trying to build a reality... trying to make my memory more solid by gluing it to other peoples' minds. "you know... i almost killed someone today." "yeah... i saw two deer get hit right in front of me." "strangest thing...."

disorienting.

saturday night i bbqed with friends and talked about the meaning of life while sipping the champagne of beers. yes, i sip beer. we played pool. they laser-tagged each other while i sat on a concrete step in a warm night sky thinking about childhood games of flashlight tag and bloody mary... thinking about directions. thinking about backwards. thinking about deer. they finished quickly and came out, talking about who killed who. caring about it, but not really. laughing.

whoever invented war left out the fun part, i think.

one of these friends is currently a little bit down... but amazing. she's a very tall slender wood nymph artist-idealist. i want to pimp her out. if you like beautiful curly-haired girls with curious minds and adventurous spirits, you should meet her. if you don't live around here.... maybe at least write to her. you've never met anyone like her, guaranteed. she needs to know that there are good people out there. thank you.

ummmmmmmmm....

silly drama with luscious yesterday because we talk around each other, now, instead of to each other. i'm too wary of old roles... uncomfortable ruts... i think... to really allow myself to be open. to be easy. to believe that it's all good. that things have changed.

as though one familiar word or gesture or pause means that everything has gone into reverse.

but the drama led to over-kindness which was brand-new and strange and nice and led to some really cool conversation about will... free and otherwise. i still don't know if i believe in it or not. there are too many arguments in too many directions and with too many roots and whys to be sure. i guess i'll stick by my claim that "will" is simply a word, meaning whatever we want it to mean. i don't think i have control of myself. but i think that someone does. and whoever that is is who i should properly call I.

i know... it makes no sense. but i'm just the figment.

ask the imagination, if you want answers.

inward...outward